The following is a letter that I am writing to Carl's Junior after what I would argue was the biggest let down I've had in 2009:

To Whom it May (and SHOULD concern):

Big Carl? More like Hot Carl! Hey Carl's Jr: I've been eating fast food 6 times a week for my entire life--don't you dare try to tell me that a burger is going to taste like my beloved Big Mac, only to deliver some dirty knockoff not even worthy of the title of Whopper Jr. Let me delve into the details:

1) Char Broiled Flavor. Honestly, if i wanted your fake bbq taste, i'd go down the street to Burger King for a real JV taste. All I got out of this was an emerging conspiracy theory that CJs and BK are in cahoots in an attempt to take down the Golden Arches.

2) Soda Choice. There is only one thing that goes well with a Big Mac...ONE. And that is a MCDONALD's coke. they have figured out the perfect syrup-to-soda-water-ratio, and you clearly have not. I had to settle for a Sprite, mixed with my own tears.

3) Pickles. One Pickle??? ONE??? I mean for cryin out loud. I get the whole "dare to be different" thing where you are only going with two buns (huge mistake...totally jacked up the feng shui of my burger), but reducing the amount of pickles eliminates one of your dominant flavors. This is burger making 101, fellas.

I could go on for hours, but these are the main points to this burger making travesty, and quite frankly that garbage isnt worth another 100 words. You guys would be better off taking a crack at the double-decker taco or even a bucket of chicken, because this cheap knockoff needs to do just that...knock it off.

Sincerely,

Michael V. McDevitt, Fast Food Connoisseur